Christmas, hurry up and come and go...FAST

It's Christmas time, band aid would have us believe. We'll, you know what, I can't wait till it's bloody over. All this running around for presents for people; I haven't a clue what tastes are. I'm just going to give everyone a great bug hug next year. What? Cheap Bastard! No way. I thought it was all about giving and love and shite like that. What greater display of love is there than a grown man hugging the living shit out of everything he meets for that single mind collapsing day? Nothing, so I might just give it a try.

What's all this Santa carry on. Oh, they say, Oh let's not let the kids get involved with those fucking pedos that interfere with children's front bums and that. And yet on the other hand, you, junior, sit on the old man's lap and talk about the first thing that comes up. Be consistent. Don't talk to strangers. Sit on creepy old man's knee. Santa brings presents. Santa doesn't exist, what do you want for Christmas? A punch up the bloody bracket!

But it's not all bad news. Yes it is. It's crazy. More people throw themselves off a tree only to break their fall with a rope round their neck than any other time of the year. Suicide is painless, the song tells us. Only for the human pendulum that swings in ever decreasing motion.

I think we should just do away with the whole Santa nonesense once and for all and just have a happy day when people are encouraged to give presents, or hugs, to one another just to promote the developement of society and kindness as a whole. There are still far too many arseholes in the world ready to sharpen their new habitat knives in some poor bastard's stomach. I still want to go to space either before or after I die. Life or death can't be much ironic than it is on this shitty rock.

Chastity Bono Underground Brain Operation

Right, hold on, firstly, I don't know enough about whas'his name to have an accurate opinion of where she/he's at, but, I do have an opinion none-the-less. Here it is.....
Reading the article http://www.tvguide.com/News/Chastity-Bono-Gender-1006849.aspx about Chaz Bonner starts off well saying "she" but then immediately on the next reference to him/her calls......."he". What if children were to read this article. Just imagine the questions...
"Mummy, why do they call that woman she then he?" or "Daddy, why does that man look like an ugly woman?" or "Mum, what the fuck is that all about wanting a penis instead of a big hairy clam?"
These questions can prove to be very awkward. I suppose it has something to do with the fact your mum is 60% plastic, double your age and yet frozen in time courtesy of some fiendish plastic surgery. Through plastic surgery, time travel is possible you fucking maniac!
Right, let's see...Chastity? Chastity? Any reason for that choice of name. Why not just call youself celibacy, or don't want sex 'cause can't have sex 'cause no-one in their right mind would want to shag a man who used to have a vagina, but still looks a big like a man putting on a funny walk to look like a woman. Chastity? What a waste of a name, I mean, it's got the word "TITY" in it titty, tits! Anyway, as I say, I don't know enough about the whole situation, or the hole situation but good luck to him...erm....her...fuck!

David Carradine : Grasshopper

David Carradine, star of the Kill Bill movies, was found dead in a wardrobe in Bangkok. He was using a coat hanger and a length of flex to hang up his trousers, unfortunately, he forgot to take his trousers off and caught his genitals in the flex. He panicked and tried to gnaw his way through the flex but, in his confusion, inadvertently wrapped the cord round his neck and strangled himself.
He was working on a film called ironically enough Stretch. We all know that there are method actors out there but, surely not, come on!
Close friends had voiced their concerns about the actor, who's catchphrase was "Aaaaahso, I am Glasshopper!" and said that he was disappointed with his overall height and thought that he may do something drastic, like stretch himself.
Was this, the most recent of his deaths, a cry for help or was it a sex stunt that went quite a bit wrong like Michael Hutchins from INXS.
Think on........

(This was slightly edited after this man http://twitter.com/zambucco put me straight on the fact that DC was Glasshopper.)

BGT (Britains Gone Titsup!)

Yes, my oh my, I've been watching a bit of BGT as it's often been tweeted on twitter. What the shite is wrong with people? Last night, or whenever it was, a young sexy, attractive, seductive belly dancer - granted she didn't move her belly about much this time - was thrown right off the show but, tonight a fat man and his big titted son (no offence) got through to the final on Saturday. Jesus H Samuels. You can picture that young lady - hold on and I'll Google her to find her name.....Julia Naidenko a name that just slips off your tongue (if only) - dancing all over your naked body. Well, I can picture her dancing all over mine, naked, the pair of us. I'm only wearing a smile. She does that bellydancing thing and gets lower and lower over my body until finally, whoops, her hair is all caught up in my helmet and 4skin.
I'm panicking, because a hair under your 4skin ain't funny so a whole head of hair is deadly, she's panicking, I'm cuming...I've cum. Then Simon Cowal presses his buzzer and smugly looks to the audience and says something condescendingly shit.

Britain's Forgot Talent

Yo there etc. I've just been watching Britain's Got Talent and I must admit I bloody enjoyed it. There are some people out there who do have a talent, whether it be drumming at age 12 or having your short fiancee throw a ball onto your stomach smashing a plate. There is, indeed a certain amount of entertainment about the show. I would like to see someone in their 60s come on, shit into a bucket of ice and then throw shit darts at the audience to a background track of Hit Me Baby One More Time. I bet it would get a standing ovation anyway.
There was a gorgeous belly dancer on and I found it hard to keep my excitement down to a minimum, but that Simon Cowal fella, not him, now way, he smirks until his teeth blind the audience. After rendering them blind he sneeks onto the stage and sticks one right up the girl. In the mouth too. They all get their sight back and think it's part of the show. He's a bloody "HYPNOTITS" that's what he is.
Anyway, I look forward to tomorrow's edition when Mr. Cowal smiles and shags that big backward guy from Scotland, Susan Boyle.

Tired

I'm getting tired real easy these days. In fact, I'm probably in a coma as I write this, typing away on an imaginary keyboard. I could probably type anything I want because of the overwhelming tiredness. I don't care right now. Tiredness makes you do crazy things...your honour. I'm opening my mouth slightly and letting a droplet of spit drop slowly down..and then quickly suck it back up again. Tired. Just think, one of these days I'll be off to sleep and never wake up again. Hopefully I'll be about ninety-eight or something. Or even in a spaceship orbitting some new planet populated with sex mad aliens with eight tits and two vaginas. Yummmmm, eight tits!
Anyway, I'm off for a bit of forty wanks, I mean winks. Laters people.
No, wait a minute, just a few words about the MPs pish on TV and that...they're all greedy cunts!
Bye.

1ST BLOG

This is my first blog so it's probably going to stink. It's 22:50 (my time) and I'm tired. Night night. Haven't done much. I performed major heart surgery on someone who didn't want it. Ungreatful twat. Don't go down a dark alleyway then staggering around as if you need surgery. I asked you if you needed help, you said no. I'm not the greatest person at taking hints, nor am I very good at sarcasm.
I suppose then, on reflection, it has been quite a good day. I must stop lying to myself. This is enough to be getting on with anyway. My brain is now clear.